Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Stay Strong

My dear precious Blake,

It's just about 2 am and you have me all stressed and worried about you.

We got a phone call around 7pm on august 20th (your 5th day of life) informing us that your little belly was a little tight and distended. They performed an XRay and saw the reason for the blue discoloration. You have a perforated bowel. They wanted my consent to do a procedure to drain the matter that made its way into your belly. I quickly agreed and let them know we were on our way as soon as possible.

I did the one thing I've steered away from doing and that's google the information I have been given. I sat there helplessly, not really knowing anything and I googled. And I wasn't happy with what I found.

" A perforated bowel is a medical emergency in which a hole in the bowel opens to allow its contents to empty into the rest of the abdominal cavity. The result is frequently sepsis or blood infection, which if not treated can cause almost immediate death. "

And they say not to look things up like this on google because it always sounds worse than it is. Well, not in this scenario. When we arrived in the NICU, they had already begun to put you to sleep for the procedure and give you lots of pain medicine. They then began a lengthy description of basically what I had read online.

According to the doctor, you have a dead peice of intestine which caused the hole and leak. They can't tell how much of the intestine is dead due to the high risk of the surgery. They suggested that we have the smaller procedure done which would be less stress on your little body and pretty much just as effective for the meantime. They put a little incision in your lower groin and inserted a tube to drain all the matter that had leaked from your intestines. They then gave us more numbers and statistics and they were mainly negative. Saying that there are many ways for this to go south and lead to fatality. That is the hardest thing a parent will ever have to hear.

We were able to see you before the procedure. You were already asleep and sprawled out on the table. Wires and tubes attached to every limb. It broke my heart. As your mother, I wish I could take that pain from you. I wish that I could comfort you. I would do anything to make sure you were okay. I hate this feeling of being helpless. All I want to do is help you and make you better. But I'm forced to watch from the sidelines. I'm helpless. I'm a mess.

We were told to sit in the waiting room while the procedure went on. That was the longest 15 minutes of my life. The surgeon came in and informed us that you survived the procedure and that you were still asleep and on pain medicine. They wanted to make sure you were as comfortable as possible. Now the next hurdle was for you to fight off infection and heal with the help of antibiotics. We were told it could take weeks to know if you were in the clear.

Your daddy and I are keeping faith. Not in all the medical mumbo jumbo, but in you. You are the determining factor as to how this will play out. I know you are strong. I felt you in my womb. Kicking,moving and showing me just how alive you are. You faught inside my womb for over a week when the odds were against you and me. You faught when you arrived and showed that you were not ready to give up. You are a fighter. You are strong. And I need you to keep pushing on . There are so many people praying and rooting for you. So many people who already love you and want to meet you. You are quite popular and you haven't even left the hospital yet.

The odds are not in our favor. But Blake, my love, I'm asking you to stay strong. All me and your daddy want is for you to live a long and beautiful life. We want you and your big brother to drive each other crazy but ultimately be each others best friends. We love you more than you could ever imagine. We are praying that God decides to keep you here with us because theres nothing that we want more.

We love you Blake. Please keep fighting. Mommy and daddy need you here and need you to stay strong. Please please please stay strong.

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