Friday, August 17, 2012

For the Greater Good

I've made it from Wednesday to Saturday with a ruptured water. So far so good. Infection is no where to be seen and baby Blake's heart sounds great and he's moving around as normal.
I am going a little stir crazy here in the hospital. I miss my son, my dogs, my bed and the freedom of being able to walk from room to room without being monitored. I know that this is all for the greater cause of keeping Blake baking a little longer but man, hospital stays are no joke.

There comes a point where you pretty much lose all dignity and feel less and less like a human being. I haven't been able to shower or do my hair. Makeup is obsolete. I've been ridden to bed and had to use other  means of going to the bathroom which in my opinion is the worst thing ever. You really stop feeling human when you have 6 pair of eyes watching you try to pee. And every time I start to feel myself complain or get irritated, I remind myself.of why I'm here. And as much as I'd like to just pack my bags and go home, I know that the longer I am here, the less time Blake may have to spend in the NICU. And that right there is my motherly duty. To put my child above my own selfish needs. He needs me to be here, and thats why I'm still here. He needs me to fight for him because right now I'm the only one who can.

This experience has really made me see just how fragile life is. How fortunate we are for the little things in life. I miss being able to hug and kiss Ashton and help him brush his teeth before bed. I miss being able to get up and walk to the kitchen for something to drink. I miss my own bed, and being able to fall asleep next to my husband after a long day. It's the little things in my life that I will never take for granted again.

After facing the odds we have been given here at the hospital I feel like I have been spoiled. I've had no real reason to complain about life when my own son's is hanging in the balance. With all the material objects and technologies we have in the world today, I honestly think we lose sight as to what 'real' problems are. People are always focused on what they don't have other than what they do have. And I'm talking about myself here too. I've never realized how lucky I am that Ashton is so healthy and smart. How lucky am I that we don't have to worry about things like physical or speech therapy. Or surgeries and special care instructions. I've never appreciated that. He's just a happy go lucky boy who I am so blessed to have. Blake may not be so lucky. I may be facing therapies, and doctors and specialists for the rest of my life. Am I complaining? Of course not. Because if that's what it takes for him to live a great life, then its all for the greater good. I love both my boys to the moon and back and I am more than willing to do whatever it takes to for them both to happy go lucky just like every child should be.

I'm trying to stay optimistic. I'm living each day one at a time. I don't see an end in sight but that's a good thing. Im going to fight for Blake. If that means I need to stay in this hospital bed til December, then by all means I'll do it. It's amazing what you'll do for your kids. Even ones you haven't quite met yet. I feel him move, I've heard his heart beat, I know he's there and I love him to pieces. We'll make this work. We are fighting on one day at a time.

No comments:

Post a Comment