Thursday, September 20, 2012

September 20th, 2012

Today was a little disappointing. Blake is at a stand still with trying to recover from the pneumonia he has. I've been kind of behind with his blog updates so I'm sorry if I repeat some things.
After they diagnosed him with pneumonia they started him on a cycle of antibiotics in hopes that it clears it up. The first initial xray showed a good amount of secretions in his lungs. A day or two after the antibiotics started, the xray showed that it was starting to clear up. Not a whole lot but you could see a difference.
And here we are today, 5 days after he was diagnosed and there still isn't much change. He isn't getting worse but he doesn't appear to be getting better. His oxygen is still on the high side. He's been bouncing from 60-75%. We only breath 21% so blake is definitely getting a lot more oxygen then you and I need.
He was put on a different ventilator yesterday. It's called a high frequency (jet)ventilator. It is supposed to help relieve some of the irritation of the lungs by keeping them open with a ton of short breaths rather than opening and closing his lungs with each breath like it did on the other ventilator. The quick short breaths cause his body to shake a bit. I hate having to see his little body vibrate from the machine but I'm hoping its worth it in the end.
The doctor explained whats going on in Blake's lungs and this is what I got from it (I'm hoping I say this right, it makes sense in my head so I hope I can relay it correctly). Blake has some parts of his lungs that are collapsed and some that are open. I don't know what the ratio of open to collapsed would be but I'm pretty sure the majority are open. Well, since there is some collapsed and closed off, that part of his lung isn't oxygenating properly and that's why he is needing more oxygen from the vent. We are hoping that the jet ventilator helps open up some of those closed areas by applying equal pressure since its a steady flow of air in and out at the same time, which is what keeps his lungs open. I hope that makes sense.
Having a baby in the nicu is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. As a mother, my natural instinct is to want to hold, love and care for my baby. Seeing him connected to all the machines and wires scares me. I'm afraid to touch my child let alone hold him. I kissed his little cheeks for the first time the other day. I had no idea I was allowed to so I never did even though I wanted to. Every time the nurses or doctors get in with Blake to change him or care for him, they have rubber gloves on. So of course I think they want to make sure everything is sterile. The last thing I want to do is hurt my baby by kissing him and giving him the germs that they are trying to prevent. But the other day, I was helping with the Cares and right before we were closing up his bed his nurse looks at me and says "you can give him a kiss if you want." I looked at her confused and said "really? I'm allowed to do that?" She just smiled and told me "of course! He's your baby. Go ahead and give him a kiss!". She didn't have to tell me twice. I was so happy to be able to show him some sort of affection. I actually felt like a mom to him. Too often I'm stuck sitting on the sidelines while I watch strangers care for my baby because I don't know how to. I hate feeling so useless and helpless. It's awful. The only thing I can do is sit by his side and hold his hand, or cup my hand over his little body to cradle him. So being able to kiss his little cheek meant the world to me! It's the simple things like a peck on the cheek that make all the difference. I love him so much and I want him to know that.
Blake is a fighter. All the nurses just absolutely love him and I know they are doing their best. I'm praying that this pneumonia packs its bags and heads out in the next few days. Even though we haven't had much progress I have to remind myself to stay optimistic and just take it one day at a time.

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